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Thoughts I Have While Meditating

My meditation practice up until a few months ago has been.... dicey.

At best.

Like a lot of people, I've tried to establish a practice many times. I would do a few days of guided meditations, fall off, come back etc...

And I did find some great teachers that I always return to: Manoj Dias, Sarah Blondin and Tara Brach - my own personal Brain Trust ♥️

Though sometimes looking through the guided meditations to see which one I wanted to do, would eat up all the time I had for the meditation, and then I wouldn't have time to do the actual meditation.

Does stuff like this happen to other people??

And even when I did make time for it, it was never as consistent as I would have liked it to be.

It wasn't a non-negotiable.

And then I read somewhere that journaling was a form of meditation and I thought... That's it! I AM meditating already, every single day, and I didn't even know it. I am amazing at life.

But deep down I knew there was a difference between sitting quietly, and writing in my journal perched on the edge of my desk chair so I don't disturb my little puppy Coco who is sitting with me/taking up 97% of the space.

This all leads up to me on a whim /somewhat undercover retaliation for my husband going on yet another golf trip, booking a 3 day silent retreat at Kripalu, a retreat center in the Berkshires, where I learned first-hand that journaling and sitting in silence for extended periods of time are actually quite different.

Here is a train-of-thought-taste-test from some of the lengthy 30 min + silent meditations. Well, the parts that I remained awake for 🤷‍♀️

Let me know if any ring a bell ;)


OK! Let's do this! You got this Carolyn 🙌🏼

Big breath in, big breath o....

Wait.. am I comfortable?

I think I'm cold. Oh no.... I AM cold.

And my legs are in a weird position.

Oh no.. my legs are weird and now I have to stay like this for the next 45 minutes??

The girl next to me seems really comfortable. I should have set up like she did. Wow, she really does look peaceful....

OK, Carolyn. Come back.

Big breath in, big breath out....

Wait a second... I wonder what happened to that kid Chris from 2nd grade who wore the suspenders... where did he go? I feel like he moved to Chicago. Or maybe Califor...

Come back Carolyn

I'm aware of my in breath, I'm aware of my out breath.

I'm aware of my in breath, I'm aware of....

What are we, about 10 minutes in?

I have 30 more minutes of this??

Yikes. Sitting up straight wakes me up and helps me breathe better. Ahh... that's it!

I'm really meditating now I'm aware of my in breath, I'm aware of my out brea....

Little bunny foo foo hopping through the forest....

Awww.... The kids always loved that song. They were so cute when they were little like that.... I hope they're doing ok at home. They probably haven't brushed their hair or teeth once since I left....

Come back Carolyn.

Sit up straight, take a deep breath.

Ahh... that's nice.

Look at me.... oh I am really peaceful now.

Big full breath in, big....

What was Larry David's mantra on Curb Your Enthusiasm - the one that he was mad the other guy stole from him? I feel like something like that would be very helpful right now....

Breathe Carolyn, relax your shoulders down.

Yes! That's great!


Relaxing is so nice...

I need to do this more often

Breathing in, breathing out.

I have to pee.

I wish I would have gone before we started this. I had that window, and... I blew it.

But wait... do I really have to pee, or will it be one of those little mini pees that are so unsatisfying because you could have sworn there would be more to it?


My foot hurts... I think it's going numb.. But I don't want to move and mess this whole meditation up.

Breathing in, breathing out.

Breathing in, breathing ou....

Oh boy... I have to swallow. It's so quiet in here and it's going to be one of those loud gulping swallows I just know it. Don't do it, don't do it, don....

You did it.

And it was a really loud gulping one just like you predicted.

How embarrassing!

Now everyone knows you too sometimes have to swallow.

Come back Carolyn... shake it off.

Breathing in, breathing out.

That's it, relax your shoulders, sit up straight.

Breathing in, brea.....

I wonder what Harry Styles is up to.

He's got great hair. I like his songs even if I don't understand half of them. I really do like Harry Styles... quite a lot actually now that I'm thinking about it.

*Has questionable thoughts about Harry Styles


Breathing in, breathing out....

It's hard to take a deep breath sometimes...

Is everything... ok... with my Adam's apple?


The end.


And so we go.

If you are like me and struggle to string together even a single breath or two without having an imaginary Harry Styles make-out sesh, or wondering if you have to pee or not, you are in very good company.

And we get to keep coming back to it.

It's a practice, not a perfect.

We get to come back to all of the messiness and imperfection and sometimes being in the flow and mostly not and.... on and on it goes.

And we get a million opportunities to come back to what is real and true in this very moment and that is you sitting there with all your thoughts and insecurities, hopes, failures, pains, heartaches, sensations and all of it.

And you get a chance to not only observe it, but to welcome it in.

Continually sowing the seeds of awareness and acceptance is like sending yourself a mini love letter that says, I love you, exactly the way you are.

What better gift to give yourself?

So, as a result of this really glorious, restful, incredible retreat, I've been making time just about every morning - before I do anything else - to sit in silence for 5 minutes.

Not messing around trying to find a guided meditation. Not pretending journaling is the same thing as finding quiet. Not looking at my phone, or checking my emails.

Just me, exactly as I am in that moment.

Silence is golden.

Create time for it in your own life and watch what changes ✨



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